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Arctic Winds Blanket Denton with snow; Mass Suicides, Widespread Looting Ensues

Mayor: “Abandon all hope, ye doomed and forgotten masses”

Chaos has enveloped the city of Denton as the aftermath of last Sunday’s winter storms resulted in city-wide looting, mass ritual suicides, vigilante mobs, and deep shortages in both food and medicine.

“Our City is no more,” Mayor Watts tweeted early this morning. “Currently hiding under desk. Fire, Police, and Emergency services overwhelmed. Mob approaching. Total isolation from outside world. God has abandoned us, just as we have abandoned Him. Abandon all hope, ye doomed and forgotten masses.”

With bridges iced over, highways clogged with abandoned vehicles, and power and communications lines inoperable, government officials ordered everyone still remaining out of the city.

Across the city, rescue workers were not even trying to gather up and count the dead, officials said, but pushed them aside for the time being as they tried to find the living.

Further adding to the city’s misery, UNT President Neal Smatresk announced via twitter late this morning that, barring an unexpected intensification in the breakdown of law and order, normal university operations should resume Monday morning.