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Adderall Dispensary to be Featured in New Student Union

GPA’s, Sleep Deprivation Rates Expected to Skyrocket

After months of lobbying from several student-run organizations, the UNT Board of Regents has finally agreed to the inclusion of a state-of-the-art Adderall Dispensary in the new Student Union, which is scheduled to open next fall.

“We’re confident that this decision will bring us one step closer to attaining tier one status,” Chairman of the Board Brint Ryan said, “I mean, higher test scores, less spending on tutoring programs, plus, we’ll make a fucking killing selling to these inattentive little shits.”

“Oh and yeah, it’ll be environmentally friendly as fuck, too,” he later added.

When asked by reporters what purpose the new dispensary would serve that the old on-campus pharmacy didn’t already fulfill, Chairman Ryan assured reporters that here at UNT, we’re all about transparency.